i break your heart over and over
because you refuse to be whole again without me
you blame me for your pain
but you fail to realise
that the heart you are missing
you stole from me
trapping me inside your ribcage
leaving you to love only the empty shell
of what once was
by your own words
a temple
now in ruins
by your own heart that you have discarded for mine
-lilyesavi
i feel unattached
and distant
a faded mind
from drugs and alcohol
my body is alive
but my mind
is tired and torn
you feel very far away
but you should be close
you push me off and away from you
like i’m a piece of nothing
and then realise too late
i’m not something to simply brush aside
when will you learn
that i’m more than just something that makes you feel good
but in a single movement
you erase the bad
a quiet look
or a brush of your hand on my cheek
a gentle kiss
whispered words
and i fall for you again
and again
tape a microphone to my chest
aim an arrow at my heart like Ulay
and tell me you can’t hear my heart
beating for its life
heartburn when i swallow
limp hair and broken nails
exhausted lungs and aching legs carry me to my bed
shuffle through shallow dreams
to find the one in black and white
long days awake after short nights
fast asleep
i think something is missing
just like the Buddha that rests above me
my eyes are closed
but i am not asleep
it feels like late spring
sitting up here on my window sill
seemingly on the edge between two worlds
warm air buffering me on one side
the cool breeze on the other
the fresh air feels good
and the sun is hot on my cheek
a book resting open on my knee
i breathe in deep and close my eyes
it’s a nice place to be
perched up above the rooftops
not quite commited to the real life jostling down below
but also not quite confined to the stillness of my room
just a small taste
of summer
just a small taste
of another life
being honest with myself
was so exhausting
i have a thumping headache
and my cheeks are streaked with crusted tear tracks
now my chest is free
from the cruel knot that i tied around it
to keep the feelings down
at least now
if anything
i can take a steady breath again
without a quiver in my bottom lip
-honest exhaustion
my heart lay there
between us
e x p o s e d
and honest
tired of the pretending
its beat was slow and heavy
tenderly
you picked me up
and placed me back in my still chest
you took my hands in yours
and ever so gently
pulled me to you
back to your warmth
you gave me back my heart
and made me whole again
so i can love you properly
-what can i say but thank you
The universe is always working in funny ways. Its always flowing, creating, influencing. What goes around comes around is not just a common saying or a famous song, but rather a staple principle that is always working to bring a sense of equality or support back to those who recognise and respect it. Its not about an eye for an eye or about giving and taking. It’s about giving and giving back and being grateful. I try to live by my life motto – infinite love and gratitude – this doesn’t mean having to be in favour or to try to love and be happy with everybody in the world, it simply means to respect and be grateful for the things that make you happy and fullfill you. You dont have to like everyone or make them happy, just treat them decently, like an equal human being and I think you should be allowed to expect the same from others. You also dont need to be loved by all that are in your life, but being respected and treated equally is important.
I do have to admit though, holding up these ideals everyday can at times, be very challenging and I struggle. I think injustice is frustrating and hurtful and is very hard to deal with. I reject it and I feel like I have to defend myself when someone is directing their unjust views at me. I think it terribly unfair when people disregard how their words make others feel. My instict when I’m hurt by someone’s words is immediatly to fight back and defend, but sometimes I have to realise that there isn’t much point is putting so much energy into defense when you know it’s not going to change the other person.
I experienced an injustice towards myself recently, which I found to be keeping me in a foul mood for much longer than it should have. It was hard for me to let go of it and a struggle to not allow it to cloud my judgement towards my actions. Interestingly enough, it seems I was actually in favour of the universe this week and something happened to me that made me realise that I was angry about something that was ultimately so small and insignificant. There is always something working underneath that will surface at the perfect time and take away the frustrations and open you up to something more important and insightful.
Yesterday morning, while I was setting up our chairs at work outside in the sun huffing and puffing, an old man caught my eye. He was bent over staring at the ground, sort of shuffling around slowly. I thought it rather odd until I realised he was collecting the fallen chestnuts that were scattered all around him on the ground. He shuffled closer and closer until he reached the entrance to our beer garden, but saw me working and thought otherwise. Without quite knowing why, I just immediately started to search and pick up the best looking chestnuts I could find inside our garden. I raced after him, who was now joined by his wife, whom also toted a bag of fallen chestnuts. “Excuse me, hello, I found these in our beer garden, please take them!” I offered him my handfull of chestnuts, which they both accepted graciously. I wished them a happy day and went about my work when the old man approched me, with a little book in his hand. “I would like to give you this, a small pocket bible with the New Testament and Psalms inside, as an exchange for your gift.” I assured him I was just happy to help collect chestnuts but he wanted to give me a small book that held one of the worlds greatest belief systems. Frankly I’m not particularly interested in any kind of religion so the book itself held no weight with me, but it was more the act of his exchange with something that obviously meant something to him, that really stuck with me. So I took the small book from him and thanked him and he and his wife shuffled away around the corner, I like to believe, on their way to the next chestnut tree.
How interesting that such an exchange could make me feel like an equal again. That little book stayed in my pocket all day as a little reminder, not that God is looking after me, but that the universe is working in my favour and what goes around comes back around.
I’m so happy for this experience no matter how small the exchange seemed, it carries a deeper meaning to me, and is something that I think I will remember for a very long time.
the chestnut exchange.
yours,
lily e saville
For a really really long time now, I have been struggling to figure out how to express and articulate myself in a way I feel like I will be correctly understood. Much like my mother and father, I am a very emotional creature. I’m very sensitive and find it difficult when I find myself in a conversation where I can’t clearly explain or illustrate what I want to say or how I feel. It is so brilliantly frustrating when I have these silly negative emotions that I can literally feel flush my body with hot rage all the way to my fingertips, and not know how to spit the words out. I become so desperate that I start to spout nonsense just to release something from my body.
When I was growing up, I hated school. I felt utter dread and contempt towards it for a long time. I didnt fit in. I was the only odd one out. I used to go to school dressed in a turtle neck and an elbow patch knit jersey with a lunch box covered in apple stickers, while all the other girls had on printed pink tops with kittens and sparkly sequins and matching pink jelly shoes. I sat alone with a book while the other girls braided each others hair. Working in groups was difficult. I’m a practical worker, I like to get my hands messy and get right into things, so when it came to brainstorming ideas, mine weren’t good for the others because they were different and contradictory to everyone elses. The way I interacted with other children was different too, I never beat around the bush or got involved in petty drama. I was a quiet and self isolated bookworm, which no doubt was the reason for my subjection to bullying for many years.
When asked about it by my parents and family members, I remember feeling the need to dodge thier questions because I didnt want to have to explain why I didn’t like going to school. I didn’t really know how or what to say because I never really considered that fact that I was different, and why it was probably the reason why I found it difficult to enjoy my time there. But they asked anyway and eventually we arrived at the question – Why don’t you think you fit in?
Frustration. I don’t know why I don’t fit in, but how do I explain it to them? This makes me angry, I can feel tears pricking the corner of my eyes. How do I make them understand it’s because I just don’t. I’m different. I’m not the same. I’m left out and bullied for it. I tried to tell them and then realising that I didn’t really know what words to use or how to explain how I felt, I figured it’s just easier to avoid the question altogether. A nasty habit I still have today.
Now the question is, What are you trying to say?
I have found people now that I can relate to and connect with, so fitting in is an obstacle in the past. But learning how to speak and release things from my mind in a way that make me feel understood is still a work in progress. I can talk and spit words out just fine, but knowing that the other person is actually properly in understanding about how I feel and what I’m trying to say, is what stops the endless, desperate word vomit that will stream out of my mouth otherwise.
It’s also very emotional, frustration will always undoubtedly bring hot tears to my cheeks definitely resulting in even more frustration because I can’t seem to say anything emotional without salty tears and snot running down my puffy sad face. Then by this point I probably will have just given up and be fiercly trying to brush away the subject.
I know that I’m not the only one who really struggles to express matters of the heart and mind, and I know that the first step is just gathering the courage to try because its exhausting really, and for what?
But it is deeply pleasing and necessary to allow release to all the little bits of emotion and feelings you have inside, even if only to make room for new ones.
yours,
lily e saville
Autumn season has finally arrived here in my small city of Munich. For somebody who doesn’t care much about religously checking the weather channels, autumn weather came seemingly out of the blue. Summer was one day, and the next, autumn. Cool breezes, stifiling heat and sunshine, turned overnight into gray skies, cold winds and rain. Shorts and sandals are slowly turning into boots and jackets. Green leaves turning to orange and yellow.
“And all at once, summer collapsed into fall.“
–Oscar Wilde
This excites me. I love autumn. The orange crunching leaves underfoot, rosy cheeks from the crisp air, hot cups of tea always on hand, while bundled up in cardigans and slippers.
I’m currently sitting cosy, in my soft lit bedroom with the heater on, tea on my right, water on my left, laptop on, the cat kneading her special blanket laid out on my bed, and a lofi playlist on – volume low. I just wanna put my hair up into a bun and gleefully type away.
Summer is wonderful and warm. The perfect time to go swimming, catch a tan and go on road trips. I love the blue sky and soft breezes on my skin. Yummy ripe summer fruit juice that dribbles down my chin and melting ice cream.
But autumn is so much more interesting and colourful. Trees shed their firey leaves, revealing long elegant skeletons. The wind becomes a rattle of crunchy leaves instead of a rushing of warm air. Smells of warm chocolate and hot pastries in the air lure the senses inside. Hot pumpkin soup in a big mug to keep your hands and belly toasty warm, and my personal favourite – snuggling down into a big blanket with my feet tucked up against the heater with a good book in hand.
Autumn is the perfect time to create. It is the end of one year and the beginning of another. Inspiration is everywhere in the world as it transitions to winter time. It’s the perfect time to discover! New books, new food to cook, new cafes with yummy toasted muffins and good coffee. Maybe a new passion for the soul. Maybe picking up an old passion.
So much to look forward to!
As for me, as autumn settles in, I will be happily tucked away somewhere between my writing, the arms of my love, and a Muriel Barbery novel as the rain patters on the windowsill outside.
Yours,
lily e saville
lily e saville 