frustration

For a really really long time now, I have been struggling to figure out how to express and articulate myself in a way I feel like I will be correctly understood. Much like my mother and father, I am a very emotional creature. I’m very sensitive and find it difficult when I find myself in a conversation where I can’t clearly explain or illustrate what I want to say or how I feel. It is so brilliantly frustrating when I have these silly negative emotions that I can literally feel flush my body with hot rage all the way to my fingertips, and not know how to spit the words out. I become so desperate that I start to spout nonsense just to release something from my body.

When I was growing up, I hated school. I felt utter dread and contempt towards it for a long time. I didnt fit in. I was the only odd one out. I used to go to school dressed in a turtle neck and an elbow patch knit jersey with a lunch box covered in apple stickers, while all the other girls had on printed pink tops with kittens and sparkly sequins and matching pink jelly shoes. I sat alone with a book while the other girls braided each others hair. Working in groups was difficult. I’m a practical worker, I like to get my hands messy and get right into things, so when it came to brainstorming ideas, mine weren’t good for the others because they were different and contradictory to everyone elses. The way I interacted with other children was different too, I never beat around the bush or got involved in petty drama. I was a quiet and self isolated bookworm, which no doubt was the reason for my subjection to bullying for many years.

When asked about it by my parents and family members, I remember feeling the need to dodge thier questions because I didnt want to have to explain why I didn’t like going to school. I didn’t really know how or what to say because I never really considered that fact that I was different, and why it was probably the reason why I found it difficult to enjoy my time there. But they asked anyway and eventually we arrived at the question – Why don’t you think you fit in?

Frustration. I don’t know why I don’t fit in, but how do I explain it to them? This makes me angry, I can feel tears pricking the corner of my eyes. How do I make them understand it’s because I just don’t. I’m different. I’m not the same. I’m left out and bullied for it. I tried to tell them and then realising that I didn’t really know what words to use or how to explain how I felt, I figured it’s just easier to avoid the question altogether. A nasty habit I still have today.

Now the question is, What are you trying to say?

I have found people now that I can relate to and connect with, so fitting in is an obstacle in the past. But learning how to speak and release things from my mind in a way that make me feel understood is still a work in progress. I can talk and spit words out just fine, but knowing that the other person is actually properly in understanding about how I feel and what I’m trying to say, is what stops the endless, desperate word vomit that will stream out of my mouth otherwise.

It’s also very emotional, frustration will always undoubtedly bring hot tears to my cheeks definitely resulting in even more frustration because I can’t seem to say anything emotional without salty tears and snot running down my puffy sad face. Then by this point I probably will have just given up and be fiercly trying to brush away the subject.

I know that I’m not the only one who really struggles to express matters of the heart and mind, and I know that the first step is just gathering the courage to try because its exhausting really, and for what?

But it is deeply pleasing and necessary to allow release to all the little bits of emotion and feelings you have inside, even if only to make room for new ones.

yours,

lily e saville

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